Have you noticed that whenever you need to get somewhere now and have little time to waste, inevitably someone pulls in front of you and lollygags for blocks or miles, driving as if he or she hadn't a care in the world about getting anywhere? Think back. Each time it's happened that driver has worn a hat, right?

Right.

Maybe it was a little, old lady herding a gas-guzzling, pre-'73 Buick or Chrysler, looking through the steering wheel and wearing a classic lady-geezer hat with lace, feathers, and fruit.

Or perhaps it was one of those infamous Norwegian bachelor farmers wearing an orange, vinyl cap with ear flaps while aiming a rusty pickup down the road about 10 mph below the speed limit.

And if it wasn't someone who slowed your journey to a crawl it was a driver who scared you half to death with recklessness. Like one of those ol' boys in a 4 x 4 with tires that belong on the rear of a John Deere. And the guy is always wearing a cap with some tobacco insignia or a rude saying on the front.

But none of these puts the same fear in your heart as the teen who flies past your house at mach 3 in an old Camaro with primer on two fenders and a door. The young Unser impersonator never watches the road, looks everywhere but straight ahead, and always wears the baseball cap with tubular bill in which he seems to have been born. (The other subspecies of this type rips around in dad's SUV and keeps his cap's bill pointed to the rear, thus locking the brain beneath it into the closed position.)

Don't you just hate those people? Here at HATS we hate them, too, and we're organized to expose the threat these people pose to civilized life on this planet.

Oh, we're not bigots or blindly prejudiced fools. In fact, some of our best friends drive while wearing hats and caps (though we'd never let our daughters marry someone like that). Moreover, a small minority of drivers have genuinely professional or practical reason to wear hats, such as the State Police, bus drivers and chauffeurs, or Minnesotans whose car heaters don't work in winter.

If you share in this view of the world, please let us know of your solidarity with our cause. If you disagree, you are entitled to your opinion, but please keep it to yourself or confine it to your own circle of hat-wearing friends.

You can inform us of your HAT Horror Story or some tale of besting a hatted driver by sending an e-mail message to the our head investigator of hat crimes.

Our head investigator.

Thanks for your input.

If you are an enemy come to spy out this site, please don't let us keep you from your foolish habits. Go ahead and. . .

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page updated 7.25.05